#1The Monologue
Truth Social announced plans to charge for high-speed access to the president's posts — at last, a product for people who found the news too free, and too slow. Re: Democracy Now! headlines.
Chip stocks slid after TSMC raised its 2026 build budget to as much as $64 billion, and Nvidia briefly handed the world's-most-valuable-company crown back to Apple — analysts blame investors discovering that building artificial intelligence costs money. Re: Stock Market Today.
Sunday's World Cup final pits Lionel Messi against Spain's 19-year-old Lamine Yamal — a man Messi literally bathed as a baby in 2007. Argentina fans are hoping for a repeat performance, in which Messi once again washes him. Re: FOX Sports.
A Steamboat Springs woman found a black bear taking a leisurely dip in her backyard kiddie pool this week. Wildlife officials call it normal July bear behavior.
A man in Germany set a Guinness World Record for popping balloons with a toilet plunger. The record is official; the balloons never stood a chance.
A notably round raccoon named Jimothy has become a viral celebrity in Seattle, complete with fans and media coverage.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
"Man Resents Home Run For Making Him Pause Eating, Clap" — The Onion, theonion.com
"Idaho Builds Border Wall Out Of Potatoes To Keep Out Californians" — The Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com
"Quinoa Not Pronounced Like That, Say Experts" — NewsThump, newsthump.com
"Theater-Goer Shocked as Tiny Men Emerge From 'The Odyssey' Popcorn Bucket" — The Hard Times, thehardtimes.net
A Maryland man who told lottery officials he'd been researching scratch-off odds won $500,000 — vindicating every husband who has ever described a questionable hobby as research.
#7The Groaner
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
