#1The Monologue
President Trump announced a historic deal for Hamas to completely disarm in Gaza. Hamas confirmed the agreement. Israel has not confirmed the agreement. The implementation timeline runs between 200 and 350 days, subject to further technical negotiations, an international verification body, and the consent of all parties... which is, broadly speaking, what the rest of us call a press release.
Re: Trump says a deal has been reached to disarm Hamas — NPR
ExxonMobil, Chevron, and Shell posted a combined thirty-seven billion dollars in quarterly profits this week, with analysts crediting rising oil prices tied to the ongoing Iran conflict. The companies declined to comment on the timing... though one was reportedly seen wearing a very small party hat.
Re: Headlines for July 31, 2026 — Democracy Now
FIFA announced plans to sell a minority stake in the World Cup to an investment firm backed by the Kushner family. Europe's governing body UEFA responded that "it is not FIFA's to sell." The world's two billion soccer fans responded by doing what they always do — paying for it anyway.
Re: FIFA plan for $20 billion operation to run World Cup meets fury — ABC News
A Kansas City man climbed into the waste holding tank of a portable toilet to retrieve a Mountain Dew bottle he had dropped, and spent eight hours inside with the lid closed before firefighters cut the unit open and hosed him off with a fire truck. A company representative noted it was the first time in six years they had found someone alive inside one of their units.
A man picking up his new pet iguana at a Memphis FedEx store opened the shipping box to show employees what was inside, at which point the six-foot lizard named Titan burst from the box and sprinted behind the counter. The owner had expected Titan to play dead, as iguanas typically do when handled; Titan, his owner later explained, "came out ready for all the smoke."
The 30th annual Drag Me to Cowboys event at the Cowboys Music Festival in Calgary, Alberta drew 7,423 attendees and officially broke the Guinness World Record for the largest drag show ever held. RuPaul headlined, and a Guinness adjudicator was on site to certify the count — which, it turns out, is a job that exists.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'U.S. Mint Unveils Series Of Gold Coins Commemorating President's Extramarital Affairs' — The Onion, theonion.com
'Object Permanence Kicks In Just In Time For Dad To Leave' — The Onion, theonion.com
'On-fire climate change denier continuing to insist everything is totally fine' — NewsThump, newsthump.com
'Catastrophe As Man Fails To Listen Closely Even Though Menu Options Have Changed' — The Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com
An Arizona man faces misdemeanor and felony charges after allegedly riding atop a moving Union Pacific locomotive through northeastern Colorado while completely unclothed. Neither law enforcement nor the defendant has offered a public explanation for the wardrobe decision.
#7The Groaner
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.
