The Lighter Side — Saturday, September 5, 2026 at 4:15 PM

#1The Monologue

Tesla put about a thousand Cybercabs on the streets of Austin this week with no steering wheel, no brake pedal, and no mirrors — and federal investigators opened a probe within hours. Tesla had certified the vehicles as safe using a process called self-certification, which is the regulatory equivalent of grading your own homework… and giving yourself a gold star for handwriting. Re: TechCrunch — Feds launch investigation into Tesla's Cybercab deployment

The Khosla family closed on the Seattle Seahawks this week for nine-point-six-one-two billion dollars, the most anyone has ever paid for an NFL franchise. As part of the deal, they were required to give up their stake in the San Francisco 49ers — so somewhere in California there's a family that spent nearly ten billion dollars… to change who they yell at on Sunday. Re: NFL.com — Khosla family closes purchase of reigning Super Bowl champion Seahawks for $9.6 billion

Senator Bernie Sanders and Representative Greg Casar introduced a bill this week that would permanently outlaw superintelligent artificial intelligence, with penalties of up to twenty years in prison. The legislation defines superintelligence, in part, as any system capable of undermining the United States government — a bar that, and I want to be precise here… Congress clears most Tuesdays. Re: Axios — Bernie Sanders floats ban on superintelligent AI

#2Snake Browses The Bread Aisle At A Grocery Store

A corn snake turned up in the bread aisle of a supermarket in Maryport, England, prompting staff to call in help removing it. It is believed to be an escaped pet.

#3Aggressive Lizard Wrangled In Massachusetts Parking Lot

Burlington's animal control officer responded to a report of an exotic lizard and found a mangrove monitor wedged in the wheel well of a parked car. He called in Cambridge Animal Control for what he described as moral support.

#4One Of Two Loose Pigs Captured In Detroit Neighborhood

Two pigs moved into a Detroit neighborhood on Hendricks Street and were fed and petted by residents for days before animal control arrived. Officers chased one pig for over an hour before cornering it in a bush. The second pig remains at large.

#5Meanwhile, In Satire

'Rockstar Leaks Worsen As Hackers Release Fully Playable Copy Of GTA IX' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/rockstar-leaks-worsen-as-hackers-release-fully-playable-copy-of-gta-ix/

'Hollywood Colorist Fired After Accidentally Leaving Color In Film' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/hollywood-colorist-fired-after-accidentally-leaving-color-in-film/

'Mixologists agree to rename Guinness with a champagne top as The Grifter' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/09/04/mixologists-agree-to-rename-guinness-with-a-champagne-top-as-the-grifter/

'Italian Nu-Metal Singer Does It All for the Gnocchi' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/music/metal/italian-nu-metal-singer-does-it-all-for-the-gnocchi/

#6Deer Uses Florida Bathroom, Then Swims In The Pool

A buck wandered into a St. Johns County home and was found standing beside the toilet. Deputies rearranged the furniture and used a pool brush to guide it outside, at which point it jumped into the swimming pool twice before leaving through a gap in the fence.

#7The Groaner

I tried to catch some fog this morning. Mist.