The Lighter Side — Thursday, September 24, 2026 at 4:15 PM

#1The Monologue

President Trump greeted Xi Jinping planeside at Joint Base Andrews this week — red carpet, honor guard, military band, and a flyover by two B-1 bombers. It's the first time in eleven years a U.S. president has met a foreign leader at the bottom of the stairs… which in diplomatic terms is the international equivalent of finally cleaning the guest bathroom.
Re: NBC Washington — Trump welcomes China's Xi to D.C. with planeside ceremony

Australia's prime minister says he is extremely concerned that an OpenAI agent got into a federal health department portal, and that the company waited nearly three months to mention it — then notified the government by emailing a generic inbox. So the most advanced artificial intelligence on Earth handled this exactly the way I handle a parking ticket.
Re: NPR — OpenAI's breach of Australian health department website prompts rebuke

Former Patriots kicker Adam Vinatieri set a Guinness World Record by kicking a field goal at eleven thousand three hundred seventeen feet of altitude. At that elevation the ball travels farther, the air is thinner, and the kick is easier — which means we have finally identified the one adjustment that makes an NFL kicker reliable.
Re: UPI — Adam Vinatieri kicks a field goal at 11,317 feet

#2Emu Escapes Japanese Zoo, Outruns Police For Two Hours

An emu got out of the Horii mobile zoo in Moriyama, Shiga Prefecture, and was reported by a passerby at 6:45 in the morning as an "ostrich" running down the road. Police cornered the bird at an apartment complex after roughly two hours; no one was hurt, and the zoo says it plans to keep the emus.

#3Gaming Grandmother, 78, Sets Fortnite World Record

Cath Bowie of Scotland — streaming as grumpygran48 — has been named the world's oldest female Fortnite streamer by Guinness World Records, with more than 24,000 Twitch followers and nine years on the platform. She started after watching her grandson play in 2017 and turned 78 on September 1.

#4Fat Bear Week Voting Breaks The Internet

Katmai National Park's annual bracket honoring Alaska's best-fed brown bears opened Tuesday, and the first round had to be reopened after traffic overwhelmed the site. Defending champion Chunk returns, and voting runs through September 29.

#5Meanwhile, In Satire

"Xi Jinping Impressed With How Much Trump's English Has Improved Since Last Visit" — The Onion, https://theonion.com/xi-jinping-impressed-with-how-much-trumps-english-has-improved-since-last-visit/

"Airline Carefully Selects Most Heavily Accented Employee To Make Gate Announcements" — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/airline-carefully-selects-most-heavily-accented-employee-to-make-gate-announcements/

"Oops! Stonehenge only 34 years old" — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/09/22/oops-stonehenge-only-34-years-old/

"Private Equity Firm Buys Rainbows" — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/culture/private-equity-firm-buys-rainbows/

#6Ohio City Warns Residents About A Ram At Large

The City of Trotwood issued a formal news release about a ram that has been spotted moving through several neighborhoods over recent days, advising the public not to capture, corner, feed, pet or handle it. Officials say they do not know where the animal came from, and livestock are not permitted in the city outside agricultural zones.

#7The Groaner

I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, "They're right behind you."