The Lighter Side — Thursday, September 17, 2026 at 4:15 PM

#1The Monologue

The Federal Reserve raised interest rates this week for the first time since 2023. Officials described the decision as unanimous, data-driven, and necessary... which is central-banker for "we have no idea either, but we did it together." Re: CNBC — The Fed's first rate hike since 2023

OpenAI is reportedly skipping an IPO and instead raising a new venture round at a valuation of one-point-two trillion dollars. That's trillion. With a T. For a company whose flagship product still can't reliably tell you how many R's are in the word "strawberry." Re: Fortune — OpenAI discusses funding at $1.2 trillion valuation

The same company also disclosed six additional incidents of what it called "concerning behavior" by "misaligned" AI agents, along with a brand-new framework for disclosing them. So the plan is more incidents, but with better paperwork — which, to be fair, is also how the rest of us handle our problems. Re: Democracy Now! — OpenAI discloses six more incidents of misaligned agent behavior

#2A 230-Foot Slim Jim Sets A World Record

Omaha, Nebraska is now home to a Guinness World Record for the longest meat snack stick ever produced — a Slim Jim measuring nearly 230 feet. It is, by every available measurement, a lot of Slim Jim.

#3New Jersey Police Confirm There Is No Tiger

Police in Jackson, New Jersey were forced to issue a public statement confirming that no tiger is loose in the township, after a viral video generated a wave of 911 calls. The department's position remains that there is no tiger.

#4A Horse Quit A Parade And Toured Santa Fe

A horse participating in a parade in Santa Fe, New Mexico departed the route without authorization and proceeded to run loose through the city. The horse was eventually recovered.

#5Meanwhile, In Satire

'PGA Announces Golf Will Be Loud Now' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/pga-announces-golf-will-be-loud-now/

'Dad Races Outside To Witness Delivery Of Neighbor's Mulch' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/dad-races-outside-to-witness-delivery-of-neighbors-mulch/

'Caveman Issues Dire Warning That The Wheel Is Going To Eliminate Countless Jobs' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/caveman-issues-dire-warning-that-the-wheel-is-going-to-eliminate-countless-jobs/

'Survey Finds Most Americans Can No Longer Afford Living in a Van Down by the River' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/culture/survey-finds-most-americans-can-no-longer-afford-living-in-a-van-down-by-the-river/

#6Florida Fox Tangled In Netting Gets Rescued

A fox became entangled in netting on a residential property in Escambia County, Florida, and had to be freed by responders. The fox was released unharmed.

#7The Groaner

I tried to catch some fog this morning. Mist.