The Lighter Side — Friday, September 25, 2026 at 4:15 PM

#1The Monologue

The White House hosted a state dinner for Xi Jinping this week, and the guest list included Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg, Jensen Huang, Sam Altman, Satya Nadella and Sundar Pichai — one hundred thirty guests, and somewhere between four and five trillion dollars in net worth, all served sea bass. It's the first time in recorded history that the fish was the least valuable thing on the table. Re: Trump's state dinner for Xi features sea bass and a long list of tech titans — NPR

Moving on. Intel, IBM and Oracle were reportedly not invited to that dinner. Three of the most storied names in American computing, left entirely off the list — which, if you think about it, is the most efficient performance review ever conducted. Re: Billionaires Musk And Jensen Huang Among Those Seated With Trump And Xi At State Dinner — Forbes

In other news. A federal judge ordered the White House to restore press credentials for CNN, MS NOW and Politico, ruling the ban lacked constitutionally adequate due process. The reporters then arrived at the gate and were turned away anyway by the Secret Service, and had to wait until midday to get in — so the First Amendment is intact… it just doesn't open until lunch. Re: White House allows blocked reporters in after judge lifts Trump ban — CNBC

#2Emu Escapes Zoo, Outruns Police For Two Hours

Police in Moriyama City, Japan responded Wednesday morning to reports of an ostrich loose in a residential neighborhood; it was in fact an emu, under a year old, that had wandered off from the Horii mobile zoo. Officers chased it for two hours before cornering it at an apartment complex, with no injuries reported.

#3Woman Wins $100,000 Twice On The Same Scratch-Off

LuAnn Chico of Lexington, North Carolina won a one hundred thousand dollar prize on a scratch-off ticket — and then won one hundred thousand dollars again, on the very same game. The state lottery confirmed both tickets.

#478-Year-Old Named Oldest Female Fortnite Streamer

Cath Bowie of Scotland, who streams under the handle grumpygran1948, has been recognized by Guinness World Records as the oldest female Fortnite streamer on Twitch after turning seventy-eight on September first. She has played since 2017, sometimes for six hours a day, and appears in the Gamer's Edition 2027.

#5Meanwhile, In Satire

'California DMV Adds Highway Chase To Road Test' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/california-dmv-adds-highway-chase-to-road-test/

'Toddler Says He Definitely Does Not Need To Potty — Update: TODDLER NEEDS TO POTTY RIGHT NOW' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/toddler-says-he-definitely-does-not-need-to-potty--update-toddler-needs-to-potty-right-now

'Oops! Stonehenge only 34 years old' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/09/22/oops-stonehenge-only-34-years-old/

'Wendy's Employees Undergo Mandatory Brand New vs. Taking Back Sunday Training' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/breaking/wendys-employees-undergo-mandatory-brand-new-vs-taking-back-sunday-training/

#6Sixteen Bears Enter A Bracket, America Votes

Voting is underway in Fat Bear Week at Alaska's Katmai National Park, which expanded this year's field to sixteen brown bears, including defending champion 32 Chunk. Officials say early voting traffic broke their site, and the champion will be crowned September 29.

#7The Groaner

I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She whispered, "They're right behind you."