#1The Monologue
Nebraska today removed roughly 200 residents from Medicaid rolls under the administration's new work requirements, effective as of this morning — making it the first state to implement the policy and the first day it produced results, which officials have described as both milestones simultaneously... proving the federal government has found a way to lay people off from being sick.
Re: NPR — On Aug. 1, the first Americans lose Medicaid under Trump's work rules
A 35 percent tariff on all Canadian imports officially took effect today. The administration says it will protect American manufacturing. Economists say it amounts to an average tax increase of $900 per household this year... which is a form of protection Americans have historically preferred not to have.
Re: Tax Foundation — Tariff Tracker: 2026 Trump Tariffs
Trump Media this week launched a paid subscription service offering clients faster access to the president's social media posts. Subscribers will now receive his thoughts the moment he has them... which is an experience financial advisers have not yet found a way to short.
Re: Daily Curated News — News Headlines: August 1, 2026
A man renovating his home in Kiama, Australia discovered an 1858 copy of "Antiquities of Athens" bricked inside a sealed fireplace and returned it to the local library, approximately 150 years late. Library staff confirmed it was their book — number 508 in their original catalog — and that they have no mechanism whatsoever for identifying the borrower.
A three-year-old Australian beagle named Scooter was rushed to an emergency veterinary clinic after consuming an entire bag of gummy worms — 2.4 pounds in total. Veterinarians induced vomiting as a precaution, Scooter recovered fully, and his canine sibling Jada was treated out of an abundance of caution that the family did not extend to their candy storage strategy.
A German eBay seller is auctioning what appears to be a development cartridge for "Pokemon Fishing Contest DS," a 2005 game that was only ever available for 12 hours at special Japanese events and automatically deleted itself when the console was switched off. Current bids have exceeded $9,000, the auction ends Sunday, and it has not yet been confirmed the cartridge actually contains the game.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
"Pastor Psyches Himself Up For Another Grueling One-Day Work Week" — The Babylon Bee, URL
"Fauci Appears On 'Jeopardy!', Pleads The Fifth To Every Question" — The Babylon Bee, URL
"Gianni Infantino concludes only person capable of fixing Gianni Infantino's mess is Gianni Infantino" — NewsThump, URL
"England to continue boycott of World Cup final" — NewsThump, URL
Workers in St. Mary's, Newfoundland have begun trucking away the contents of an abandoned fish sauce plant — 110 vats holding a combined 900,000 litres of rotten sauce that has been stinking up the town since the early 2000s. Officials say the $2 million cleanup should be finished by October, which residents, who have been smelling this for over twenty years, are cautiously choosing to believe.
#7The Groaner
Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
