#1The Monologue
Truth Social this week announced that paying subscribers will receive the president's posts hours before the general public — making the United States the first country in history where citizens can pay extra to receive worrying information faster. Re: Democracy Now! Headlines, Aug 3
Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche formally terminated the one-point-eight-billion-dollar Anti-Weaponization Fund, established to compensate January 6th participants... which means the government created a fund, named it, funded it, and then shut it down, producing roughly the same result as not creating it in the first place. Re: Democracy Now! Headlines, Aug 3
Federal prosecutors this week dropped all charges against Olympic canoeist Davey Hearn, who had been charged after wading into the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool during a victory celebration. A Department of Justice spokesperson did not say the words "we probably shouldn't have done that" — which is presumably because they could not locate the correct form. Re: Democracy Now! Headlines, Aug 3
A Maryland man has claimed his second fifty-thousand-dollar scratch-ticket prize of the calendar year, using the same ticket type both times. Statisticians contacted for comment asked to be left alone.
A Nintendo DS test cartridge believed to contain an unreleased 2005 Japan-only Pokemon title has appeared on eBay, triggering serious collector frenzy. The cartridge has not been authenticated. The listing description reads, reportedly, "old game thing, plays fine."
A library book approximately one hundred and fifty years overdue has been discovered bricked inside the wall of a historic fireplace. The book was returned. The matter of late fees was not addressed in any official capacity, suggesting that even institutions have limits.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Trump Baselessly Claims He Is Viral 40-Pound Tabby Cat Named Daddy Cinnamon' — The Onion, theonion.com
'Small Town's Make-Out Point Purchased By Multinational Make-Out Conglomerate' — The Onion, theonion.com
'Traumatised Bear Grylls Abandons Attempt to Survive Week in Swindon Travelodge' — NewsThump, newsthump.com
'Dodgers Acquire Kal-El Of Krypton' — Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com
A transatlantic flight bound for Palma de Mallorca was turned around and sent back to Newark Liberty International Airport after an unidentified Bluetooth device aboard raised security concerns. The device was determined to be non-threatening. The passengers were determined to be determined.
#7The Groaner
I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
