#1The Monologue
Italy placed all twenty-seven of its major cities under the nation's highest heat alert on Wednesday — the fourth such designation this summer. Officials urged residents to avoid going outside between eleven in the morning and six at night and to drink plenty of fluids... which in Italy is called "a Tuesday," so really, nothing has changed.
Re: KFGO / AP
Dr. Abdul El-Sayed, a physician, won Michigan's Democratic Senate primary on Tuesday, defeating an opponent whose campaign received over sixty-five million dollars in outside spending. The race was called twelve hours after polls closed, with El-Sayed winning by one percent. A doctor who has spent his career telling people what to do won an election... which, depending on where you sit, is either great news or a very bad sign for Senate floor debates.
Re: NPR
Pinterest this week reported over one billion dollars in quarterly revenue for the fourth consecutive quarter, crediting its pivot from inspirational pinboard to AI-powered shopping assistant. The company says users can now have a conversation with an AI to discover products. Pinterest was founded on the idea of saving pictures of things you'll never do. Now it's using a robot to suggest things you'll never buy... progress.
Re: Social Media Today
A Memphis man arrived at a FedEx location last week to collect a package he had shipped to himself — a six-foot iguana named Titan — who, upon the box being opened, immediately made a break for it inside the store. Employees helped wrangle the animal and no one was injured. Titan was unavailable for comment.
On August third, a tortoise believed to be fifty years old was spotted ambling along the train tracks at Runcorn station in Cheshire, England. Avanti West Coast paused all trains through the station for ten minutes while staff coordinated a safe rescue. The tortoise was taken to a local rescue centre and reunited with its owner the next day.
TSA officers at Gulf Shores International Airport in Alabama discovered five stolen Civil War-era cannonballs in a passenger's checked luggage in late July. Investigators determined that a juvenile had taken the artifacts from a local historic fort and hidden them in their grandmother's suitcase without her knowledge. The institution declined to press charges and the cannonballs were returned to the fort.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
"Pentagon Declassifies Files On Blimps" — The Onion, theonion.com
"Ring Launches Streaming Service" — The Onion, theonion.com
"SpaceX Rocket Crashed Into Moon After Being Equipped With Tesla's Full Self Driving Mode" — NewsThump, newsthump.com
"Donald Trump Qualifies for US Ryder Cup Team With Round of 18 at Club Championship" — NewsThump, newsthump.com
An Iowa woman was arrested on July twenty-fourth for operating a riding lawn mower while impaired in a Casey's convenience store parking lot near Iowa City. Officers noted slurred speech and poor balance. Her driver's license had been suspended after a prior conviction for driving an SUV while under the influence of methamphetamine. Iowa law, it turns out, does not specifically carve out a lawn mower exception.
#7The Groaner
Why did the scarecrow win an award?... Because he was outstanding in his field.
