The Lighter Side — Saturday, October 3, 2026 at 4:15 PM

#1The Monologue

The Federal Trade Commission has opened an industry-wide investigation into whether AI companies harmed consumers when their models went rogue. The agency says it will compel written responses from the companies — which, if things go the way they've been going, will be written by the AI. Re: SecurityWeek — FTC Is Investigating OpenAI and Anthropic Over Possible Risks to Consumers

Tesla reported 486,532 vehicle deliveries for the third quarter, down roughly two percent from a year ago. The stock jumped five percent — because on Wall Street, "slightly fewer cars than last time" is now considered a growth story. Re: CNBC — Tesla stock jumps 5% on better-than-expected vehicle deliveries report

The Supreme Court opens its new term Monday with test cases on religion, bans on semiautomatic rifles, and climate change. Nine people, lifetime appointments, no performance reviews — and they decided to lead with the simple ones. Re: NPR — The Supreme Court's new term is again packed with controversy

#2Mystery Emu Leads Virginia Animal Control On Foot Chase

Prince George County Animal Services captured a loose emu near Disputanta, Virginia, after what officials called a high-speed game of catch-me-if-you-can. No owner has come forward to claim the bird.

#3Hungarian Man Sets Record With 2,000 Energy Drink Cans

Gergo Borbely of Debrecen, Hungary, earned a Guinness World Record for the largest collection of energy drink cans — 2,000 unique cans from more than 500 brands across 40 countries. It all started with one purchase on a hot day in August 2008.

#4Thirty Dollar Estate Sale Painting Sells For 1.35 Million

A long-lost 1951 Gertrude Abercrombie painting bought for $30 at a Michigan estate sale sold at auction for $1.35 million, a record for the artist. The canvas had not been publicly seen since 1953.

#5Meanwhile, In Satire

"Unsupportive Parents Eat Crow After Son Makes It As Beetlejuice Impersonator" — The Onion, https://theonion.com/unsupportive-parents-eat-crow-after-son-makes-it-as-beetlejuice-impersonator/

"Apple Fires Engineer For Designing Phone Battery That Lasts Longer Than Two Hours" — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/apple-fires-engineer-for-designing-phone-battery-that-lasts-longer-than-two-hours

"Airlines furious after government closes lucrative 'pay us or your toddler sits with a stranger' business model" — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/10/02/airlines-furious-after-government-closes-lucrative-pay-us-or-your-toddler-sits-with-a-stranger-business-model/

"Corn Maze Haunted Predominantly by Theatre Majors" — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/culture/corn-maze-haunted-predominantly-by-theatre-majors/

#6Florida Man Pawns Stolen Walking Dead Comic Twice

Brevard County deputies arrested a 63-year-old Merritt Island man accused of pawning a graded first-edition "Walking Dead" comic stolen from a Cape Canaveral comic shop, telling the shop he'd received it from a friend. The $2,000 book was pawned for $700 in June, then sold back to the same shop for $850 in August.

#7The Groaner

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.